“Don’t you ever get too comfortable” – Babyface
At times as women we behave in a way that is counterintuitive to what feels right to us. We may second guess our inner voice or perhaps we may not even know what our inner voice sounds like.
I speak from personal experience and from the experiences of the numerous women that I have had the privilege to connect with as a sexual wellness educator and coach. Our behaviours are often shaped and molded from a trauma or shame filled lens and what we do (our behaviours/habits), may actually not be what we want to do (intuition/intentions)
You see… comfort is defined as “the easing or alleviation of a person’s feelings of grief or distress.” So naturally it makes sense that we would gravitate towards comfort, who likes to feel distressed right? But the comfort we choose that goes against our values and authenticity is in actuality uncomfortable AF and is more than likely the cause of our grief and distress.
The question then becomes how can we identify the ways we actively choose these behaviours and patterns? Well we can start to notice and acknowledge some of the signs because knowing is half the battle and then we can implement some changes and get our growth and healing work on.
Sign # 1 We don’t create and know how to maintain healthy boundaries.
I now like to consider my boundaries as the sacred space where I have the capacity to love myself and others simultaneously, yet this consideration came after years of having my boundaries trampled, stepped and stomped on. The thing about boundaries is that we get to define and decide what our boundaries are and then we are also in charge of enforcing and maintaining them for this sacred space to be cultivated and protected.
So in what ways do we do a disservice to ourselves and voluntarily choose this uncomfortable comfort? A lack of boundaries can be manifested in our lives in several forms, such as the inability to say no without offering an explanation (Narrator tip: NO is a complete sentence), or the overwhelming need to please people and put the needs of others before our own.
By allowing ourselves the opportunity to define a healthy boundary with the folks around us and the interactions we engage in we begin to expand out of our uncomfortable comfort zones. We begin to ease into a life of flow, authenticity and realness. Boundary setting is an intentional action that may require some time to explore inwards within yourself to learn your deepest desires and needs and that can be done through journaling, meditation, mindfulness exercises, therapy and coaching.
Sign #2 We deny the way we feel, because the denial may be more suitable for others.
Oooooh this was a big one for me… I was the Queen of “I’m fine” and smiling through clenched teeth. I now realize that I was so busy caretaking the feelings of others that I had completely disregarded my own. When we deny our true feelings, thoughts or emotions we dishonour ourselves to the highest level. We tell the universe that what our intuition and most inner wishes and dreams don’t matter, and that we can and will accept less than we deserve. Now how comfortable is that??
When you really think about it…. this comfort zone stuff may just be a ruse to keep us all stuck, stagnant, and outside of the doors of growth and evolution. Yet we may mistakenly choose to engage in this type of behaviour due to our relationships with trauma, toxicity, lack of self awareness and fear. If you find yourself continuously undermining your personal feelings for the sake of feelings of another person, I would love to offer an affirmation that has helped me honour my truest feelings always and move myself out of my uncomfortable comfort zone… “I can only be responsible for my feelings, thoughts and actions.” Choosing yourself intentionally is the best decision you can make, honouring your emotions and feelings as profound messengers and guides can lead you on a clearer path towards the life you truly want to live.
Sign #3 We minimize the ways our sacred body temples react to stress, trauma and shame, by not prioritizing taking care of ourselves
In relation to our sensuality and sexual expression, I find this particular behaviour quite insidious and most damaging because we often find ourselves in deep disconnection to our physical bodies. How many of us have conceded to heavy and difficult menstrual symptoms or accepted unsatisfactory sexual experiences as the norm??
When was the last time you spent some intimate time in the mirror and marveled at the body you have been blessed to walk this earth with? Societally we have been conditioned to distrust our bodies, misuse our bodies and have contempt for our bodies, that oftentimes leads to a severing of our innate connectivity of mind, body and spirit. When that happens we take less better care of ourselves, neglecting our diet and exercise, not sleeping enough and overworking and over performing.
Your body will always tell you everything you need to know about your health physically and mentally if you’re open to listening. I suffered through chronic headaches, severe menstrual cramping, kidney stones and fluctuating weight before I started listening to my body… so don’t be too hard on yourself if you haven’t fully dialed into your body’s language.
What I’ve found that was helpful was creating a “Me First” journal. My “Me First” journal was where I wrote all of my emotions and feelings, I also wrote what I ate, how I slept and my interactions with others and how my energy and vibe was affected by each factor. This gave me key insight to how my body temple reacted to external and internal stimuli and allowed me the power to gain control over what I could control, which is myself and my body. The affirmation that I shared earlier was birthed from this activity, and has in combination with my “Me First” journal helped to set me on a path towards honouring myself fully and authentically.
Growth and healing often take place once we move into the real uncomfortable and shadowy parts of ourselves and take stock of how we may have contributed to our own struggle and hardships. Give yourself grace in knowing that you most likely have been operating on an outdated version of how you respond and proceed through life challenges, some of which has been serving you and your interests in “remaining in uncomfortable comfort”. It’s okay, self acceptance is the name of the game, and once you acknowledge the areas that you have been holding yourself stuck, you can choose to unstuck yourself.